I sit in my knitting spot, the comfy chair that used to be my mom’s. Snow flakes fall softly, the wind chime sounds delicately clear, and the wood stove punctuates this story with crackles and pops. The curious assortment of shipping boxes that beckoned from beneath my tree have been opened, their treasures revealed and their paper guardians cleared away.
From the outside looking in, it appears to be a rather ordinary day, except for the fact that I am not making sandwiches AND sporting a fairly daring ensemble of navy tights, red slippers, a knee length striped nightie, and my hot pink Underarmour sweatshirt.
There is a hint of magic hanging in the air. A tinge of excitement hums beneath the surface, creating a space to reflect on all the things that make life wealthy beyond measure.
Last night, I spent a few delightful hours with my special friends Patrick, Tim and their amazing family. As all good celebrations do, this one was made of a beautiful setting, good food, laughter, singing, merriment, stimulating conversation and love. What struck me though, besides my utter happiness in all of it, was how life leads us exactly where we are meant to be.
It is true, I have been fairly lost and a tad pathetic, since mom’s departure. I have also discovered things about myself I never knew, simply by virtue of being a caregiver who often put her needs above my own. Dawning now behind the sadness of “the first holiday season without mom”, comes the realization that she has bestowed upon me with her passing, a great and miraculous gift.
It has been both terrifying and exhilarating to face the permanence of death and my mortality without her as a buffer. I have gone to bed many nights cold and shaken to my core by this ‘alone’ knowing. Now strangely, I feel liberated from something I can’t as yet name.
I am grateful for beloveds, friends, and family who have been witness to the despair of this past few months up close and personal, in all it’s full blown un-gracefulness – perhaps at times with concern or consternation. I am grateful for my beautiful home, resiliency, the slower pace of winter and the great abundance of love in my life.
Later today I am joining my wonderful neighbors to share Christmas dinner. I know we will have a joy filled time sitting around what used to be mom’s dining room table and sharing a fabulous meal.
Thank you mom, for launching me into the future with so much to be thankful for in my life.
And to all of you, may blessings of great joy and peace find a way to warm your day.