By night I am tossed by staggering swells of grief in the face of flashbacks of my mothers last days and the feeling of Molly’s head tucked against my tummy as she breathed her last breath. By day I am shredded by gusts of pain, left over feet vs car incident this past summer. Yet I remain. I refuse to be swept away. A tad battered, and somewhat bruised, I am DETERMINED to ride out these waves. Like all storms at sea this will either dissipate or make landfall eventually and all will be calm again.
I wrote that last week, shut down my computer and turned away from all of you who support, love, and read my blog. I apologize, but I simply didn’t feel I could pour negativity over all who themselves are facing so much. This week things are better.
I lash myself to the mast with spinach eggs, way too much coffee, and a little makeup to approximate an outward appearance of normal vitality. Driving through the dark I sing along with Donald Lawrence’s, Go Get Your Life Back, an oldie but much needed goodie. While recounting my blessings one by one, (of which there are MANY) I remember to send love to all the places and situations I could be living that would be so much worse. I can do this.
Driving into the employee parking lot, while recognizing the permanence and completeness of death, I access memories of past success, and methods of coping. I remind myself that my body will adjust, and eventually the physical pain will subside. After all isn’t cooking, cleaning, and service how I have made my life for the past few years? I can do this.
Before punching the time-clock, I face the mirror to position my glasses, apron, and hat. Gazing into red rimmed eyes I repeat – “You can do this and you will. It is only six hours. This is a good job, working with wonderful people, and you like making sandwiches.” Resolutely walking through the friendly packaging of the Nature’s Promise aisle on the way to my station I am happy to have a purpose for the day.
Who knew that sandwich making was so complex? It is wonderful to be busy and I mean BUSY from the moment I step to my post until check out time. It is great concentrating on freshness, quality, presentation, sales, and the finesse of creating edible works of art from various breads, meats, cheeses, produce, and condiments. I do take great pride when one of my Buffalo Chicken or Little Italy Panini’s flies off the shelf.
Returning home, it has been all I can do to rebuild the fire, and sit knitting while recovering from liver damaging amounts of ibuprofen. The good news is I have finished three exquisite scarves now, which have gone a long way to coax my quaking spirit back towards bravery. On the other hand I have neglected you, and for that I apologize.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for caring and for sticking by me through this challenging time. Blessings and peace to all of you. I hope next week will be better. Much love.
middlescapes 
Sending hugs and love
they are much appreciated.
happy healing!
Thank you. On my way.
Darling, negativity is a bad thing, and- I do not think acknowledging your pain or need is negativity. Sending healing. I am happy to hear of you, and I would not exclude your pain from You. There is a healthy positivity, which you show beautifully- loving the creativity of your job- and an unhealthy positivity, refusing to acknowledge things you don’t like. Sorry, I am preaching a bit. I see no negativity in this post.
Thanks Clare. As always the voice of reason. It just feels like whining sometimes, and my struggles seem small compared to some. On the other hand sometimes things just suck despite my best intentions. Love to you.
Oh Beth, I am so sorry you are in such pain. I could feel it pouring off the page as I was reading and I hope that somehow the writing of it has helped you to find some peace. I have always found that writing has helped me to make sense of and work through emotions and I hope that you find the same comfort.
You have spent so long looking after other people that maybe now it is time that you realise that you have to take care of yourself. Being good to ourselves and being kind to ourselves often slips down the list when there are so many other things that demand our energies, but reading your words I really feel that that is what you need to do right now. Look after yourself, treat yourself kindly, buy yourself a little treat. You have spent so long nurturing others, now you must nurture yourself. And be patient with yourself. Grief will take as long as it takes.
Thinking of you, Beth. You are going through what is awaiting all of us at some time. Only now it is your time to go through it. But you will come out the other end and you will be able to offer to those who are going through the same things your experience, strength and hope.
With love
Corinne
Oh Corinne,
In my heart, at this moment I believe you, and at other moments I wonder if there will ever be a time I take a shower without crying … I know it will get better, and in fact in some ways I do see the positive steps already taken. Thanks for sharing these words of comfort and hope for the future. Sad or not I am extremely blessed.
Beth
You’re not neglecting us, you are taking care of business. Glad to read about you today.
Everyday in every way small baby steps. Thanks for your continued patience and love. miss you.
Day by day. Some days, step by step. Some steps, breath by breath.
Loving you,
D
Absolutely. Hoping some of those steps will be less painful today. So excited to give my new ‘sturdy work shoes’ a go. Love coming right back at you. Even though the boys pretty much do their own thing now making me almost obsolete, it is lovely to spend a few hours with people I love who love me right back. How blessed are we to have influenced each others families in so many ways?
Your journey is not for the fainthearted. But you are not alone. “Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
― A.A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Rebecca, Your words are like a tonic for my soul. I am up, dressed, coffee at my side and with a new pair of sturdy work shoes that I am cautiously optimistic about. Life is grand. I think A.A. Milne (and Pooh) are both brilliant. Thanks for making my morning.
Beth, I have said it once and i will always say it… 24/7/365 . You need no reason.
Even though some of those hard moments need to be spent marinating in the is-ness of it all, knowing that you are there and your offer so sincere, are immensely comforting. Thanks for putting another log in the wood stove to increase the warmth. z
Beth, it’s been a long, hard journey but you are getting through it day by day. Some miraculous things have happened through the tough times and I know that more will come. I love you and I am here for you. xxxxxx
There is simply no way to get over this, and the good news is there ARE ways to get through it. I am getting through it. Day by day steps are being taken by me and on my behalf by others, that are making a tiny beacon of light to illuminate the path. Amazing things keep happening. At every point that I have felt like saying go on without me, the exact thing that is needed to get me up off the floor has been presented. I am so grateful for all your love and support. z
Sometimes you need to take a step back to refocus, and that’s ok. I’ve stepped away from my blog before due to life’s crazy schedule, work and family demands, or I’m going through a hard time. Things happen that are triggers to re-feeling our loss like it just happened. Or we experience a different loss and are healing from that with reminders of other losses so close it’s hard to breath. When things get tough for me I miss my mom even more. Her final night still haunts me sometimes. But I now know the sadness will pass. I truly hope this coming week is better. Hugs.
Kathy, Thank you so much for extending yourself to me in this way. It is good to hear this is normal, being fine one minute and a crumbling mess the next. Yesterday I came out of work, and there were two inches of snow on my car. As I was brushing it off I burst into tears saying oh great, now it’s winter and they still aren’t back, and will not be back and I cried all the way home. It takes only the tiniest thing to set me off.
Today I am better again and feeling the tiniest glimmer of excitement about christmas music and lights. Reminders of the ever renewing properties of goodness are all around me, I just have to let the swelling go down in my eyes long enough to notice them. Much love to you and again, I am truly blessed by your sharing about your own experience with the loss of your mom. Hugs to you as well.
I am so glad you’re feeling better. Yes, the littlest things can be triggers. I even wrote a post about it not too long ago, which I’d like to share with you if you haven’t read it: http://peace4me521.wordpress.com/2012/11/17/the-littlest-thing/.
The tiniest thing, a few simple words, sent me crashing into waves of grief and tears. Christmas brings mixed feelings, as does Thanksgiving. Christmas was my mom’s favorite holiday, so it’s a hard day without her. But I try to remember all the Christmases we shared together, the way my mom poured her love into it to make the day special, and just how much she loved all of us and would want us to be happy. I’ve taken some of her traditions as made them my own as a tribute to her. Take care.
Thank you Kathy. I read it and replied there. It touched me deeply that you chose the surgery. I know that the loss of my mom is certainly heightened by the fact that my beloved forever dog molly left two weeks later, and I can’t help but think this is the first thing that she has not helped comfort me through in 16 1/2 years. So you see why your story was a double rainbow for me.
Thanksgiving was tough but at the end of the day I too had a feeling of relief and pride to have ridden the waves. I love the idea of combining your traditions as a tribute. I am so glad so have come into my life.
much love.
Sending lots of love Bethy..just glad you are working…will call soon…thinking about you XX00
You have been on my mind for the past few days. much love to you shnuggy. no one does a wedding date like you. smoocherinos
hope and pray those dark days are over!
you and me both, or as mom would say, from your mouth to God’s ear.
God Bless You and Take all my strength. I know what it is like to be low. Hugs and strength for you.
Thanks Steven. actually feeling a bit better. I am erging again and working now for ahile at stop and shop making sandwiches. hope you and your family are well. Happy New Year.