By night I am tossed by staggering swells of grief in the face of flashbacks of my mothers last days and the feeling of Molly’s head tucked against my tummy as she breathed her last breath. By day I am shredded by gusts of pain, left over feet vs car incident this past summer. Yet I remain. I refuse to be swept away. A tad battered, and somewhat bruised, I am DETERMINED to ride out these waves. Like all storms at sea this will either dissipate or make landfall eventually and all will be calm again.
I wrote that last week, shut down my computer and turned away from all of you who support, love, and read my blog. I apologize, but I simply didn’t feel I could pour negativity over all who themselves are facing so much. This week things are better.
I lash myself to the mast with spinach eggs, way too much coffee, and a little makeup to approximate an outward appearance of normal vitality. Driving through the dark I sing along with Donald Lawrence’s, Go Get Your Life Back, an oldie but much needed goodie. While recounting my blessings one by one, (of which there are MANY) I remember to send love to all the places and situations I could be living that would be so much worse. I can do this.
Driving into the employee parking lot, while recognizing the permanence and completeness of death, I access memories of past success, and methods of coping. I remind myself that my body will adjust, and eventually the physical pain will subside. After all isn’t cooking, cleaning, and service how I have made my life for the past few years? I can do this.
Before punching the time-clock, I face the mirror to position my glasses, apron, and hat. Gazing into red rimmed eyes I repeat – “You can do this and you will. It is only six hours. This is a good job, working with wonderful people, and you like making sandwiches.” Resolutely walking through the friendly packaging of the Nature’s Promise aisle on the way to my station I am happy to have a purpose for the day.
Who knew that sandwich making was so complex? It is wonderful to be busy and I mean BUSY from the moment I step to my post until check out time. It is great concentrating on freshness, quality, presentation, sales, and the finesse of creating edible works of art from various breads, meats, cheeses, produce, and condiments. I do take great pride when one of my Buffalo Chicken or Little Italy Panini’s flies off the shelf.
Returning home, it has been all I can do to rebuild the fire, and sit knitting while recovering from liver damaging amounts of ibuprofen. The good news is I have finished three exquisite scarves now, which have gone a long way to coax my quaking spirit back towards bravery. On the other hand I have neglected you, and for that I apologize.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for caring and for sticking by me through this challenging time. Blessings and peace to all of you. I hope next week will be better. Much love.