As a result of the Powwow, and all the good things that I have been trying to do for myself, this week my energy has begun to return in a more sustainable way for the first time since mom’s passing.
Man, have I been making up for lost time.
The first of three cords of wood arrived late Friday afternoon. On Saturday morning facing the task ahead, grief scowled close at hand. My shifty companion spent most of the morning offering a running commentary about my lack of ‘partnership’ in this chore, apparently enjoying the negativity that was anything but helpful. The angrier the message, the louder the wood rang out as it landed in the metal wheel-barrow.By late afternoon having made significant progress, I had earned the right to tarp the remaining woodpile against the darkening sky, and eery yellow lighting to head inside. I was surprised to discover that although the muscles in my back were aching, there was more energy to spend. I actually felt excited as I began to make some headway on painting the old grey metal file cabinet which is now a beautiful copper color. (I had taken all the hardware off at 5 am and Magic erased them all to near mint condition) Sunday morning I was back at work until the stacking of cord one was completed around dinnertime. It feels wonderful to be making some progress and seeing the house begin to come alive again as new colors re-insert themselves into my world. Yesterday, October 8, was my parents anniversary, and I made pumpkin pancakes to celebrate and I really wasn’t all that sad. In fact, I felt so confident about the trending uplift, that I left a message for my wonderful wood provider, who managed to deliver the second cord Monday afternoon. I made a little progress on it this morning before it started to rain. And just to keep me from getting too cocky, here is a picture for good measure of the next big things I have to tackle. I think that will pretty much keep me busy till next weeks post. By this morning, the emerging sense of direction that is becoming clearer has deepened. A vision of the house has revealed itself and change is apparent in every single room. Work is beginning to trickle in, as plans for an exciting new project continue to move forward. (I can hardly wait to tell you about it, just a bit longer, till it is a tad more solid). Life is becoming a bit interesting again. There are still moments of great gulping sadness, but they are not the marathon sessions they used to be. Of course, that is not to say they never will be again, but for now grieving has moved into somewhat more reasonable serving sizes. A good friend who lost her mother just last week, said she heard it described it like this – “losing your mother is like having the earth pulled out from under your feet, while simultaneously being told to stand.” I would certainly concur. As I lit the first fire of the season in the wood stove this morning I said prayers for my mom, molly, friends, and our family. Just when I was finishing the fire really began to take hold. While the flames grew to dance and shimmer, I was reminded of all the cozy times last year watching with delight as Mom, Molly, and Thunder all napped in front of the fire together while I moved through the house doing chores. Straining, I could almost hear the memorable sound of two dogs and one elder snoring. That sure brought a bittersweet smile to my face. May we continue to delight in the everyday moments that connect us.