A crystalline membrane stretches to capacity. Perhaps as in birth, it is meant to give way, so that truest self may emerge? On the other hand, what if it is a boundary that must not be breached? More like the lens of an eye that is accommodating additional light or sharper focus. Either way, taking quick immediate action based on soundbite information offered by my dream-media production studio may result in irreversible consequences.
There are daunting decisions to be made. The work related and relational considerations alone have staggering implications. It is important to take time, gather information, assess validity, consider different angles, assign meaning, negotiate contingencies – all without inference or prejudgment. This not knowing place is hugely uncomfortable for one who likes to get things done, with accurate resoluteness.
While knowing that decision-making is well within my purview, control over life is at worst an illusion and at best dependent on many factors that are blessedly beyond my ability to know. ‘Emerge and see’ rather than Emergency Operations (LaDonna Smith circa 1980’s) are required standard procedure at this time. Yet, one thing has become clear.
A few weeks ago I tried to alter the original middlescapes tagline. That exercise brought me to the conclusion that the whole explanation, with the exception of ‘life in the middle years’ just doesn’t fit anymore. I do hope to re-purpose hard-won end of life and caregiving knowledge and you will hear more about that in a few weeks. However, the death of both Mom and Molly has ended my intimate personal work with frail elders.
Through immersion in rowing, I did find my inner athlete. (Birthing Fierce, Erging Through the Storm, Twelve Thousand Meters, Training, Rising to Challenge…, The Road to Sculling School, Reflections on Process… ) Even though she has been otherwise engaged, I do possess a belief in my ability and skill to restore a lifestyle I adored.
As for baking as a path to enlightenment, that also turned out to be true. Creating fragrant delicacies provided comfort during caregiving times when we were housebound, as well as pleasure for many friends and neighbors. The ritual of baking with my step-daughters, neighborhood children, and nieces yielded insights that lead to profound deepening of my spiritual understanding about the continuity of life. Many of those were also shared with you in posts (Baking with Grown-ups, Baking for Death and Other Houseguests, From Combat Ready to the Unexpected grace of Waffles, and Nearing Death Awareness) along the way.
By all accounts the original promise of this blog has been fulfilled. It is time to remember fully who I am. Weaving the threads of time, recognizing both the limitations and freedoms that have come as a result of aging thus far, come as a direct result of considerations from end of life lessons.
By now, some of you may have noticed that middlescapes has a new description.”Devoted to the transformative, deepening, joyful, and spiritual possibilities of aging.”
It is risky making such a shift when I have so recently been joined in this great adventure by a number of new readers who are chronologically quite young. I have come to rely on their energy, enthusiasm, zest and comments about their own stage of self exploration. At the same time I am hoping to offer consideration for consciously living exactly the age that you are without denying the truth of what happens. I want to enter the next decade and beyond fearlessly with curiosity rather than dread as I begin to face mortality.
Stay if you like, go if you must. Either way I hope you know, it has been an absolute pleasure traveling with you in this way. I look forward to seeing how this notion of authentic aging plays out. May we all come to know the deep truth of great beauty, love, and light that resides within. In the belief of all that is possible. Blessed be.