As The Page Turns ….

When I began the incredible journey of middlescapes – A blog about caregiving a frail elder, life in the middle years, the search for one’s inner athlete, and baking as a path to enlightenment, my goal was simple. To have a witnessed place from which to process and make sense of the multi-varianced complexities of caregiving experiences, without losing the parts of myself that appeared to be necessity.

Overtime, a secondary intent emerged from the archives of a near thirty year career spent as a social work clinician, educator, and mentor. That hope was to begin a multi-cultural dialogue about the often taboo subjects surrounding the inevitable presence of end of life issues implicit in all subtext of human experience.

Both of these dreams have been realized and you, dear readers are the proof. You have shared your laughter, tears, outrage, stories, hearts, minds, and souls. You have nourished and provided uplift, energy, and light when it was most needed. Some of you, who I thought I knew, have offered some of the biggest surprises. Others, I have only recently met along the way, already feel like you have always been part of my world. Now as I begin to come to terms with the loss of my life as I have come to know it, there are many questions.

Is it now possible to take the total of who I am, add to it all that I have learned over these past forty-nine months through end of life caregiving, and subsequent passing of mom & Molly, to reinvent myself? Or, as the dictionary suggests in it’s definition of the word reinvent, change so much as to appear entirely new?

All of you have increased an understanding that has oiled the largely self constructed rusted prison door, which has now swung fully open of its own accord. I find myself suddenly on the other side, with no awareness of having stepped through. Am I truly free at last? And on a scale of 1 -10 how would I rate this equally delicious and terrifying idea?

Today the answer is 8.6. If you have shown that many of the beliefs governing my life were based on fear, do they now no longer apply? Is it even possible to go back to working in the world they way I always have? Or is there more? Is there a way to make a living by integrating my life?

After a life time of service to individuals, groups, teams, families, and communities, it feels for the first time – my karmic debt has been paid in full. While I have caused some harm and unintentional affliction in the lives of others, I now realize that 98% of what I have produced in the world has been both positive and good. Now, what will my new role be?

Internalized is the knowing that we all work best and are most productive during times when personal energy is at it’s peak. I push myself beyond my limits not because a clock which has not reached five, defines my worthiness or productivity but because I love what I do and am passionate about in the moment about whatever comes authentically from my heart.

I honor my intent moving towards a mature, fully engaged, active, healthy, loving, passionate, authentic, reciprocal relationship with a person I would sing to and hold until the last breath leaves their body or mine. A place of honor where while not the only priority, each of our wellbeing is of equal consideration. A partnership where we are both valued, cherished, honored, loved with full attention and unwavering commitment to God – the creator and great mystery, each other, and the greater good of humanity.

Nourished within me, is a deep desire to create, and maintain a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual life that is debt free, elegant, practical, easy to care for, and beautifully landscaped with nature’s abundance.  A place where friends, family, companions, and co-creators in travel, work, and adventures create greater joy through enhancement of understanding and communication across and around our dear earth. Here all are welcome, and come or go as easily as the breeze. Not because they are obligated, but because they want to share the energy and excitement of the life that is lived here. A life where respite and resilience are created and restored with music, light, laughter, love, quiet, solitude, individuation, partnership, tears, hard work, and healing are all possible.

Even from a still grieving place where it is as yet, not possible to pay either taxes or many bills, it is a great honor to be afforded consideration towards all possibilities great and small. In the meantime, may we live each day with integrity, wisely and well.

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"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 bakka2thesource a collaboration of musicians and artists.
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31 Responses to As The Page Turns ….

  1. lapetinaa says:

    You never cease to amaze me, Beth. Through all that has gone on in your life these past few weeks you still manage to impart your gratitude and your wisdom. I want to be a part of your world. xxxxxx

  2. lapetinaa says:

    You never cease to amaze me, Beth. Despite all that you have gone through the last few months you are still able to impart your wisdom and gratitude. You will have all of the things that you want because you will make it happen. I hope to be able to celebrate your new life with you.

  3. smacken2008 says:

    You did it to me. And I suspect lots of others again. You’re awesome.

    Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

  4. EllaDee says:

    I think it’s not so much about re-inventing yourself – you are wonderful as you are – but retiring with honours for a job well done, and a smile, the aspects of you that have served you well, and bringing to the fore other aspects of you, and letting them shine 🙂

    • Thanks my wonderful new friend. Much needed perspective received loud and clear. Today I am going on an adventure with a friend and her grown fabulous daughter to re-charge and laugh. Your timing, as always is impeccable. I am taking your voice along in my pocket and will pull it out as I sit on the rocks by the ocean when they are shopping. My shine may be somewhat tarnished for the moment, but thanks to people like you, it is only a matter of time till the luster is restored. much love to you.

  5. ann russell says:

    Amen. Om ShantiShantiShanti

  6. eliotux says:

    Beth
    So profoundly beautiful. You’ve opened a door for all of us.
    Eliot

  7. I admire your profound abiity and desire to give of yourself, in spite of or as a result of your deep loss. What a generous soul you have, Beth.

  8. You have my admiration, and my prayers.

  9. ijwoods says:

    Beth I find your writing sincere and exquisite. Thanks once again for sharing such deep feelings. One thing I try and remind myself of each day is that when it is my turn to wind down, the true measure of my life will be the love and fulfillment that I’ve accumulated. Nothing else will come close to being nearly as gratifying. It’s often hard to choose what in our heart what we know to be true, but it is always our choice and it seems like you have made some very conscious choices. It’s hard for me to see how you could ever go wrong continuing on that path.

  10. lance gauthier says:

    Beth – you did everything right.
    Love to you – Lance G.

    • Thanks Lance. At peace with all that was accomplished. Preparing the ground for the hopefully well chosen seeds about to be planted. Hope all is well with your family. Many kisses on the head of your new baby, and cheeks of your wife. Thank you life long friend.

  11. Lovely. A delight to read your thoughts so beautifully expressed.

  12. You write with profound eloquence. Immediately, I was drawn into your world through your sincerity of prose and your razor sharp perceptions, softened by the nuance of harmonious energy met with some sort of enlightened acceptance for life — exactly as it is.

    I recently studied the origin and uses of the term bravery. I dare say it suites you mighty well.

    Be blessed. I’m now following you and I look forward to future posts.

    • Thanks Brandy. Nice to meet you seems lame in light of the depth of your comments, yet it just plain old feels good to have such unexpected feedback. I look forward to getting to know each other better through our writing. blessings to you as well.

  13. so cool!! Beth!! thank you for sharing and doing it!!! 🙂
    xoxxo

  14. SwittersB says:

    Beth, I know your life has been so busy and consuming. With the door open, even then you may be a bit overloaded….that said, I nominated you for one of those pesky awards…fitting for you…the Super Sweet award. Do as you wish and times allows. Just wanted you to know…http://swittersb.wordpress.com/2012/08/27/swittersbs-sweetie-pie-nomination/

    • Thanks Gary. I am kind of on overload as you say. The tasks of grieving at times compete with the tasks of 91 years of life stuff sorting, all while trying to meet financial obligations with no income – lol. Fortunately, all of these challenges are temporary. Ad always I appreciate your continued faith in me and my ability to keep on moving forward. much love, will check out the award. blessings to you. Beth

      • SwittersB says:

        Yes, as time allows Beth. I so can relate. I know you mostly visit me on the SwittersB side. Hoarding Woes & You might be worth a visit now and then too. My five year journey with Mom and Auntie and health/hoarding issues + the aftermath. Thank you again for being a positive force in my life.

        Gary

      • Thanks Gary, I thoroughly enjoyed checking out every site you mentioned. Great picks. I will also go look at hoarding woes. Likewise you provide energy and uplift in my life. All the best. z

  15. Pingback: Classifying « Clare Flourish

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